In April of this year, after a routine MRI check up, I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time. My first diagnosis was 8 years ago. It was stage 2 and on the right breast. At the time, my surgeon spoke to me about the pros/cons of a double mastectomy – but having no family history of breast cancer and having my genetic tests coming back negative, I thought “why do both?” So I decided against the double. Fast-forward to this year: my doctors found cancer again on my left side. My best option was another mastectomy.
Eight years ago my diagnosis created a lot of fear. This time I didn’t want to let my fears take the driver’s seat. I focused on what I knew and learned from my first experience. I knew it could be treated, I knew what to expect in terms of operation, pain and recovery process and I believed with every part of me that I would recover again. However, the nagging thoughts that could have easily gotten the best of me were still there – at times it was very hard not to feel scared.
Knowing what to expect and keeping a strong spirit helped me have a better overall experience than my previous diagnosis and surgery. I decided to create structure around my recovery. I knew from my years of training that it would help me both physically and mentally. In times when we feel that things are out of our control, I find that being able to have routines or specific things to focus on, is a great way to keep moving forward
3 factors have helped me during my healing process. I wanted to share these with you all in case, even if in a small way, it can help anyone going through a health challenge.
POST-OP RECOVERY PROCESS
The moment I woke up from surgery, I put my mind and body into healing mode. I opted – with surgeon approval – to go home right away and not spend the night (or extra days) at the hospital. This helped a lot because I started focusing on my recovery immediately – my healing didn’t have to wait.
One of the big issues with invasive surgeries like the one I had is loss of strength, muscle and mobility. In addition, you are dealing with draining tubes, pain and sleepless nights. What helped me a lot was having the freedom to take many little walks right from the start: one of the most important elements of my early days recovery.
Forcing my system to stay active by walking helped my body flush out some of the heavy meds and the anesthesia’s drugs. Moving in ways that were safe for my body at this stage of the recovery helped me feel tired and sleep better at night and I know it helped with managing the pain a lot better than resting on my couch.
Establishing a routine of daily walks was healing me physically and mentally, it was important to be outside and get fresh air everyday.
FAMILY AND SUPPORT SYSTEM
I was very, very lucky to have my mom and my brother come from Italy to help me during recovery time. I didn’t feel lost or alone because they were here with me. Also my mom cooked amazing meals! This made a big difference – in the immediate days after surgery, cooking and eating were the last thing on my mind, but I had to get the right nutrients to start rebuilding tissues and strength.
For quite a few days there were things I couldn’t do due to the incisions: having someone help even just opening a door was priceless. I kept thinking that for me it was a matter of days, maybe a couple of weeks and then I would start to get back to doing things again – every single hour of the day I was reminded how lucky I was that my situation wasn’t permanent. I do think that we aren’t really appreciating what we have till we lose it.
And I had my mom and brother to laugh with, like when I kept calling myself T-rex because, well, my arms weren’t reaching anything.
Equally as important and uplifting was the support of my community – the love, messages and gifts I received from so many of you helped me and made me feel loved – I thought I would have hard time receiving, that it would make me feel even more vulnerable, but instead it just brought me joy and comfort. Thank you ❤️
MENTAL CHATTER
The way we talk to ourselves during times like this has the biggest impact. Every day I told myself to accept and embrace the change this illness will bring. I thanked my body for giving me the chance to fight and I resisted pushing and rushing my body to get better. I welcomed the ugly and inevitable parts of the recovery by not getting frustrated when I couldn’t sleep or felt pain.
When I was told the first time that I had cancer, my spirit melted away and disappeared. I felt empty and scared. I didn’t know how my body would react after an invasive surgery. This time my fighting spirit still went into a dark place, and I let it go there without beating myself up, I have learned that losing myself was part of the process. Feeling scared and feeling lost is normal and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it was up to me to come out of that darkness. Hoping and thinking that things will work out wasn’t enough for me – I had to tell myself everyday to trust the process and to be patient.
The biggest lesson this time has been accepting that life and illness will change me and things will be different – but they can be better if I stop focusing on resuming life as I knew it, I embrace the changes and learn to love myself in my new reality.
In health,
Ilaria